Sometimes it’s just so hard not to think the worst when the shit just keeps coming. It’s hard to hold onto the happiness I know I should be feeling. I’m stuck in the tunnel of the “I should have done this” “I wish I would have done that”.
Why is it when people ask me if I am going to have kids or if I want kids and my response is “nah I don’t think so”, they come back with “oh it’s so different when they’re yours.” Be that as it may, it doesn’t make getting up at 3am to feed and change a shitty diaper ANY MORE pleasurable. Yeah, yeah yeah…babies grow out of that stage and move to more fun ones, I suppose like teething. That shit is like a walk in the park LOL. Also having kids sure as shit doesn’t do wonders for a woman’s body!!! Stretch marks, swollen ankles, weird cravings and just having your body not be your own for nine whole months doesn’t appeal to me!!! I mean Thank you Mom for laying on your back for how ever long you were on bed rest to have me but it’s my God given choice to not procreate in this screwed up world. Yes life can be lovely with kids but I guess I’m a selfish asshole and still like my freedom, I like having the energy to have sex with my husband whenever the hell I want to, I like being able to blow extra money on workout stuff or nail polish and I like the nice body I’ve worked so hard to keep….and keeping it up to par isn’t easy the older I get.
I will never under any circumstances take psychiatric prescribed drugs ever again. That is ofcourse unless I am being fit for a straight jacket which I feel I am no where near that sort of thing….yet. Muahahahahaa
Honestly though getting off these drugs has been an awful mind fucking experience.
Some days I ask him why he can’t let me be in a bad mood or be miserable and he responds with loving eyes “It’s what I do. I protect you, love you and will always no matter what you say I will try to make you smile on your worst of days.”.
Today will test how strong I really am. I’m sick and taking care of a sick baby, that alone will dance on my very last nerve and tap out my patience. To follow work is one of my coaching sessions which is pretty much the only thing I am looking forward to as the day wears on. If….no when I get through that and crush whatever my coach throws my way, I will know I’m still as strong if not stronger than I was before I was sidelined with my wrist and back injury.
“Ah life’s too short for wasting For ifs and might have been’s Life’s too short for wondering if You could have lived your dreams And its way too short for lonelinessWe don’t have to be Now that we trust each other Why don’t you stay with me?Why don’t we share the darkness tonight”—The Saw Doctors-Share the Darkness
Last week I was asked what kind of music I like and not having been asked that in what seems like ages it got me to thinking. I said “anything and everything but country”. Now there are some country songs in my iTunes library and some folk singers but I’m far from what someone would call a country music enthuesiest.
Now onto my taste in music. My music is deeply rooted in my childhood. I was raised on the Boss, Phil Collins, Pink Floyd, Bruce Hornsby, Fine Young Canibals, Frank Sinatra, CCR and jazz. Almost every single song in my library has a specific memory tied to it. Like the Boss, man oh man I hold dear to me “I’m On Fire”. I remember watching my mother move around the kitchen doing her thing on the nights my dad would be at the fire house. Then a new cd would start playing and the song “She Drives Crazy” would come on, my mother would scoop me up in her arms and dance around the livingroom with me. It was like our own little world on those nights my dad was away. It was our time. I guess songs help me remember. Music gets me through so much in my life and I’m so thankful for having such a broad spectrum as far as my taste goes. Here are some of the other songs I hold near and dear to me and each time they are played the memories tied with them are just as vivid as the day they happened….
Dire Straits: Walk of Life. This song will always make me think of the days when my dad would come pick me up from swim lessons in his ‘67 yellow stringray corvette. The tan leather interior made me always think of caramel and the seats would sometimes burn my legs a little from the hot sun. We take the valley home and I remember looking up and watch as the trees above would rush by, blending together.
Van Morrison: Into the Mystic. Always and forever will think of my first and only trip to Miami FLA. The Ritz Carlton in South Beach and the first night spent there drinking the finest champange and eating the sweetest strawberries.
Pink Floyd: Wish You Were Here. This song will almost always bring me to tears because it’s still hard living my life without her. As awful and toxic our relationship was, I will always remember the late nights spent just hanging out together. I will never have another friend like her. She got me. She understood me. All sorts of memories of her flood my mind when I hear this song.
Phil Collins: In the Air Tonight. Arriving home from my trip to cedar point with a group of my friends from school the summer of 2000. I pulled in the driveway to hear this song pretty must blasting from the front living room of our house. My mom came out to meet me and told me my grandfather had died. Boooooo sad times.
State Radio: Keepsake. I remember watching Weeds and at the end of I believe it was seson one, this song came on. Nancy was dumping kerosine all over her house and set it on fire. I felt as though I could relate to the song and to what the character of the show was going through. She was about to start over and that’s exactly what I was doing at that particular point in my life.
Rehab: It Don’t Matter. Memories of Charleston South Carolina, St. Patty’s day on River Street in Savannah Georgia and getting something I waited so long for.